Meaningless, meaningless, everything is meaningless under the sun. Why is this such a hard lesson to learn?

If the blind could see You
and the lame could meet You
or the dead embrace You,
if You never gave them the means to believe.
And that makes no sense to me.
(Means To Believe-Oh Sleeper)

Every time I concentrate an how confusing or terrible my life is, God reminds me to look at the big picture. My problems suddenly become insignificant and stupid.

I still don’t really know how to use tumblr. It thoroughly confuses me.

I dunno what I’m thinking. I’m tired, don’t really wanna deal with people and just wanna sleep. I’ve been just living life lately. You know, waking up, seeing what to do for the day, doing it, and going back to sleep. Nothing’s exciting. 

Tonight I realized I really need to take some time out for God. I wanted to go escape to the creek but it got too dark too quickly. I dunno. I’ve been lazy latefully on spending time with God. Kinda selfish really. I want that to change. I’ve noticed God’s been challenging me with little thoughts that I should really think about and dig into his word to see what it says but I’ve been brushing them off. Like on Sunday. We had a joint church service with my church and the covenant. It was pretty sweet, and a really neat experience having two congregations together. The thought kept coming into my mind though “what if they covenant people are judging us on the way we do our service?” Really, that’s something I shouldn’t be concerned about. The covenant’s pastor came up to speak and I found myself wanting to judge him, and not really think about what God was trying to teach me. I’m sure others in the congregation had similar thoughts too. Or maybe I’m the only one. These thoughts are upsetting. I’m thinking, why the hell are we so quick to judge each other when that’s really what God’s not about. Other’s see this lack of unity between congregations and I can see why they don’t want anything to do with God. They can see the hypocrisy. Anyways, that’s something I need to work on. It’s gonna be challenging but I’m excited to see where God takes me and our churches. 

One thing that popped into my mind today was integrity. Like what is integrity? Am I an integrate person? I’ve been told by many pastors, friends and family members what integrity is but I still wonder about it. I want to have integrity. I know where I need to go to find out about this. That’s what God’s challenging me with. The word integrity is starting to sound funny now. In-te-grity. Anyways goodnight world. Time for some Underøath

I should really get a better, more relative background picture. But that’s another task for another day. 

I’m new to this tumblr thing…I’ve checked out some things on it and it seems like it’s a photo/blog kinda dealio. Oh well, I’m gonna use it somewhat like that. Just to share my thoughts on life and info on things that have been happening. 

So where to start…I could just generically explain who I am and such, but that’d end up being boring to me and I’ll just let people figure out by reading my posts. So school just ended like two weeks ago and its summertime. I love summer vacation. Mainly cuz there’s no school and I get to hang out with friends. But this summer’s been different for me. Many of my close friends have gone to camp and it’s been difficult. 

I started out the summer alright, just doing yard work and such. But as the week progressed and I spent time at home with my family I found myself getting easily irritated with them and I was upset/mad for no apparent reason. This perplexed me and I didn’t know what to do. So I was thinking I should maybe take it to God. My relationship with God had kinda been sucking and this was making it worse. I was getting to the point where I didn’t wanna spend time with Him and I almost wanted to reject Him. I could tell that this wasn’t good so one day I needed to escape and set things straight. I grabbed my guitar around 9:30 at night and headed out to the pasture/creek to settle things. I sat down and just said to God, “K, this time I’m giving completely to you, use me for whatever you want” I just started playing my guitar. I didn’t know what to play, but I just played. And about 15 mins later I created a riff. It sounded like a confused, scrambled, melody crying out. Which is what I was doing to God in my heart. It kinda became clear to me then. I realized why I was feeling that way. I’ve always been close to my friends 24/7. Like Jared lives at my house, and Jason’s over for like half the week. I see other friends constantly all the time and I love being around them a lot. But once they all left for camp in the summer I felt lonely. This is gonna sound cheesy but, you know how your friends love you. Well without friends around I wasn’t feeling as loved as normal and that’s what was making me miserable and confused. I realized that that love needed to be replaced by God and I needed to give Him that much more of me. God loves me I know and that’s all I should need. God Loves. I played a few worship songs and just gave my all to Him. One worship song I love is How He Loves. It means so much to me. That night I walked back to the house after the sun had set and was happier, filled with joy and ready to take on the rest of the night. 

Everything hasn’t been all peachy after this. I still sometimes feel lonely and get grumpy at my family. I just have to remember that I love God, and He loves me, that’s all I need. It’s something that I’m gonna learn this summer. After that night I kept going out to the creek and just played worship songs and spent time enjoying God’s creation. It’s been amazing. The one night while I was playing I felt the dew start to form on the ground. It got me thinking, what’s the purpose of dew? Like I know the scientific explanation about why it happen’s and stuff but honestly, why does it happen? The thought kinda occurred to me that it’s a way of refreshing and cleansing things. It’s like God’s way of cleaning his nature. It’s amazing what you can find when you look at the simple things. The next night, I got out to play guitar later than normal, and I was worried I wouldn’t have much time to spend with God. But I still played, sang and prayed until I needed. By the time I finished, I looked at my phone and it said the time was like 10:45. The sun had well set but there was still light. I looked behind me and despite the clouded skies, there was one hole where the moon peeped through and shone bright, giving me enough light to finish my time with God. Coincidence? God’s amazing.

On monday, I went for surgery to get my wisdom teeth removed. I was super nervous, but the operation still went ahead. It’s now 2 days (or 3 I could say, cuz it’s like 3:30 in the morning) past the surgery and I look like a chipmunk. It sucks. Majorly. I haven’t been able to do anything. Today I was able to eat some solid food if it was cut up into tiny pieces. It’s amazing how good a bit of turkey tastes after barely eating for 2 days. It makes me think about how often we take for granted good food. The thing that really sucks about this, is that I haven’t really spent much time with God. I miss my time going down to the creek and playing and singing. I can’t do that now and I miss it so much. I miss doing simple things. I want this to be over. The swelling’s started to go down so I’m so glad for that. I want to get back to normal soon. I need to make sure to spend time with God despite this difficulty. Oh, and also it’d be sweet if Aaron and Colten could come down this weekend for band practice. I’d really appreciate that. I should get some sleep though, seeing as it’s almost 4 in the morning. Man, I have to be up in two hours to take medicine. If anyones taken the time to read this long random post, props to you, thanks. But goodnight. I need sleep. 

Currently listening to //Somebody’s Baby/by Jon Foreman/from the Winter EP//